


The Meaning of Family

by bookcallipitter



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Child Abuse, Cutting, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fluff, Love, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-23
Updated: 2016-09-23
Packaged: 2018-08-16 19:56:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8115442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bookcallipitter/pseuds/bookcallipitter
Summary: For Dan, the word family is tainted by his parent's abuse, but Phil is there to give the word a new meaning.





	

**Author's Note:**

> umm this is sad and i literally don't know where it came from like my parents are great. lots of triggering stuff in here please please please don't read this if it could be harmful for you. stay safe love ya

Family. For Dan, the word had two meanings. First, the one meaning the people you live with and who you love and love you. Family means mothers making lunches and dads throwing a ball and playing dress up with siblings, or whatever the bullshit was that society threw at you. Dan’s connotation was more painful. The word said in a bitter, harsh tone. Not many heard the little clip in his voice, a giveaway to underlying emotions, but Phil had. The first time he’d said the word, Phil caught on.

He tried not to talk about his family much, he couldn’t see the point. It wasn’t as if his parents had hit him, although sometimes, Dan wished they had. For him, it would have been easier to deal with, at least then he would have known that his parents hated him right away. This way was more drawn out, and ultimately, more destructive. A very toxic relationship. Dan found it funny that when you were taught in health class all the signs of an abusive relationship, they only even mentioned romantic ones. He’d asked once, anonymously via those little boxes for decreet questions, if parents doing most of the things on the list qualified as abusive. The teacher had answered it by rambling on about how your parents love you and as teenagers you just don’t understand how they’re trying to help you. After that, Dan never listened to a word that came out of his health teacher's mouth again. Phil later told him how wrong that teacher was and how he was glad Dan was away from such harmful people.

There were no scars on his skin, at least not from his parents, but the scars they made were deeper, beneath the surface. Dan knew that’s exactly were they wanted them to be. He couldn’t stand silence, not after the weeks and sometimes months of it when he’d gotten a bad test score or didn’t win a football match. Dan couldn't ever be ignored, fearing that it was out of hate and the person would never speak to him again. He had a mistrust of every apology, always waiting for the person's words to turn against him and blame him for everything. Even I love you’s were tainted, always tensing for the stinging, a harsh ‘but’ to follow. Phil knew all these things and respected them. Phil always knew how to make him feel safe and loved, but Dan always worried he was too annoying or needy.

He never has new nightmares, only memories. It’s like his mind can’t think up anything more horrible than what he has already experienced. Dan never has dreams, only nightmares.   
Tonight’s is particularly awful.

He’s sitting in his old room in his house. Nothing’s changed since he left, when he climbed out the window all those years ago. Dan in the dream doesn’t know all this, in the dream, he’s still a frightened 16 year old, scared of his parents, and himself. In the dream, Dan is worried, and when he was worried, he used to cut. He never cut on his wrists, his parents would check there. No, after all he had gone through to get the little knife (his parents kept all the drawers in the house padlocked shut), he wouldn’t let himself be caught because of something he could control. Dan had needed somewhere hidden on a regular basis, so he decided on his ribs. Having not much confidence in his body, Dan didn’t even take off his shirt in the pool. In the dream, the blood was already pooling in the little slits across his ribcage. The stinging felt nice, comforting, but it didn’t alleviate the dark feeling in the pit of his stomach that something awful was going to happen.  
Then, the awful thing happened. The door in his dream swung open, revealing the glowering image of his mother. She didn’t even look surprised at her son slicing the knife across his pale skin.

“Dan,” she said, not yelling, but the calm tone was worse, “I always knew you were stupid and worthless, but I didn’t think you’d stoop this low. You are a disgrace to my family and should be put down like a diseased dog. I cannot wait for the day your body is found in a gutter and I will laugh as they bury you. Oh, the relief I will feel when the last remnants of the meaningless, despicable degenerate that you are is deep in the ground where they deserve to be.” Dan knew she meant every word. Suddenly, she was gone. Dream Dan scurried up and raced out the door and down the hallway.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. Mother, Mom, please, I’m sorry.” The boy in the dream called out desperately, but no one returned his calls. Then, he reached the kitchen door where he could hear laughter coming from inside. Slowly, he pushed it open. His family: mother, father and brother, were seated around the dinner table, eating and talking. The scene was picture perfect, as if from a postcard.

“Mother,” he sighed, relieved at how happy she looked. Maybe she wasn’t mad at him anymore. No one seemed to have heard, so he tried again. Nothing. Dan walked in front of his father, waving his hand, but received no response. He tried and tried to get their attention, but couldn’t. It was as if he didn’t exist. So Dan began to scream. He yelled and screeched, apologizing and begging his mother, his family. Sobbing and voice cracking, he still begged. Begged and begged and begged until...he woke up, covered in cold sweat and shaking.  
There were warm arms around him, encircling his waist. Phil’s arms, Phil. Dan relaxed minimally.

“Dan?” a voice behind him whispered and Dan nodded. “Dan, take some breaths. You’re going to be okay. You are okay.” Dan did as he was told, breath in, breath out. Eventually, he calmed his racing heart enough to speak.

“I’m good now.” Phil squeezed his slightly and Dan melted into his body.

“Nightmare or-”

“Memory.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“It’s fine, you should go back to sleep.”

“Dan, you know it helps to tell me. I’m not going back to sleep.”

“I don’t want to be a nuisance.” Phil shifted Dan around to face him. Even in the darkness, he could see the other boy’s serious expression.

“Dan, you are not a nuisance. I want to hear what happened, if you will tell me.” Dan pulled his legs up into a ball and sighed.

“It- it was one of the first times.” Phil never spoke while Dan was explaining, always letting him tell his whole story before helping. “My mom caught me, um, cutting for the first time and she flipped out. She kept saying all these awful things, saying I was nothing and how she wanted me dead. And- and she kept this really straight face the whole time. I was so scared. Then, she got everyone to pretend I didn’t exist. No one would speak to me, would never acknowledge I was there. I- I started to think maybe I didn’t.”

“How long?”

“Two weeks.” Phil sucked in his breath and Dan knew he was starting to get mad. It was never at him, but he still started to panic whenever this happened.

“It wasn’t that bad, one of the shorter ones actually. It was just hard because it was one of the first times. And I mean, it was really my fault, I mean, I was cutting and-”

“No Dan,” Phil said firmly, cutting Dan off, “it is not your fault. Nothing she ever did was your fault. Do you understand?” Dan nodded and Phil’s serious tone was dropped. Phil leaned forward and kissed Dan on the forehead. Dan sighed and pushed himself closer to the other boy.

“What happened after, in real life?”

“They were like that for two weeks, then randomly, she came to my room and said she was sorry that she had to do that and she hadn’t wanted to. She said that it had made her feel really bad and I should feel awful for making her do that. She said it was for my own good so I could learn and that- that she loved me.” His voice cracked and Dan willed himself not to cry. He hated how weak he was. Phil moved his forehead to lightly press against Dan’s.

“That is not love. Dan, that is not what love is. You are so amazing and you didn’t deserve her or anything she did to you. She can’t get at you anymore, now you have me and I will protect you. You are everything to me.” Phil never said he loved Dan, that word was forever tainted for him, but it was implied. Dan knew Phil loved him, in the right kind of way. And Dan knew what he felt for Phil was also love. Phil was Dan’s family, the true kind of family. The kind that makes you breakfast in bed on your birthday and doesn’t get up when you fall asleep on their chest, even if they really need to pee. 

So Dan nodded again and leaned forward to kiss Phil on the lips. They kissed for a moment before Dan yawned and they both sunk back beneath the covers. Phil wrapped his arms around Dan again and they snuggled their bodies closer. Dan knew he would have another nightmare if he went back to sleep, but he wasn't really worried. Phil would be there for him, because Phil was Dan’s family.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed it :)


End file.
